Honor Your Spouse and Others By LISTENING WELL

Every Wednesday I will post a practical wisdom thought or suggestion on marriage, parenting, or life. God commands children to “Honor your father and mother” and God tells parents to “not embitter” their children.  What is the very best way to “honor” and “not embitter” a spouse, child, or parent?  LISTEN!  When we listen well to our spouse or anyone, we are honoring them by conveying that “You are my Number One Priority, not just one of my many activities, and I will listen to you!”

Here are some thoughts on how to listen effectively.  Look the person directly in the eyes; ask questions for better understanding; do not interrupt; remove any distractions; suspend any judgment; and summarize often the content of what was said.

TODAY:  Be a wonderful listener throughout the day with everyone and help them feel special, valued, and number one in importance. (March 1, 2017)

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Disagree Yes, Disrespect NEVER!

Every Wednesday I will post a practical wisdom thought or suggestion on marriage, parenting, or life. Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself” and that begins by showing respect toward a differing perspective rather than attacking that opinion. A mature and logical spouse or individual can understand and value another person’s point of view, without agreeing, but also not attacking with character assassinations.  Whether marriage, family relationships, or citizens in a society, a relationship will only be healthy when both sides are smart and reasonable by respectfully recognizing both sides of a position.

Unfortunately, a disrespectful spouse or person will often criticize an opposing viewpoint by assigning a negative label in order to justify their position creating an even further divide in the marriage or relationship.  Frequently, the spouse or person throwing the “name-calling grenade” is immature, illogical and is the one who probably possesses an unhealthy perspective.

TODAY:  Be an intelligent, mature, and respectful spouse or person by having regard for a differing opinion through an attempt to understand the reasons for an opposite viewpoint while NEVER being disrespectful.  (February 15, 2017)

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Anxiety Is The Culprit

Every Wednesday I will post a practical wisdom thought or suggestion on marriage, parenting, or life. Surprisingly, many life problems and relationship issues actually fall under the umbrella of anxiety.  Anxiety creates an internal “chaos” that produces personal and relational unhealthy behaviors, and eventual overall unhappiness.

Personal issues like fear of social situations, spending too much, obsessive/compulsive disorder, addictions, eating disorders, and difficulty with decisions usually stem from anxiety.  Relationship issues often created by anxiety are lack of affection, controlling nearly every relationship aspect, avoiding sexual intimacy, and dominating decisions.  Of course, these lists are not exhaustive. 

The goal of this post is not to “fix” anxiety issues but only to create an awareness of what is often at the core of life and relationship heartache.  When anxiety is present seek solutions to bring more contentment and joy to life. 

TODAY:  Learn to be uncomfortable with anxious feelings so eventually comfortable feelings and healthy behaviors develop in order to enjoy life and relationships even more. 

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Strive For Obedience NOT Control

Every Wednesday I will post a practical wisdom thought or suggestion on marriage, parenting, or life. Almost every loving parent believes that a healthy parenting approach is to "control behavior." Instead, it is better to have the main goal be obedience.  Almighty God, the creator of our universe, could easily control every person's words and behaviors but God desires obedience that leads to Godly decisions.  Hence, similar to God's relationship with us, a healthy parent wants to strive for a child's obedience.

Beginning with the teen years, a child will spend a significant amount of time away from parents and face many temptations and tough decisions that will be made without a parent's input. To lead a child toward obedience, avoid giving orders and commands.  Instead, with important choices provide opportunities for good decisions.  The more significant choices made within the home, the more likely responsible, Godly decisions will be made outside the home.

TODAY:   Adopt a parenting style that provides choices in order to help a child become a healthy, Godly decision-maker.

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Healthy Behaviors Create Positive Feelings

Every Wednesday I will post a practical wisdom thought or suggestion on marriage, parenting, or life. With almost every unhappy marriage, one or both spouses have numb or empty feelings. The simple reason is a lack of positive behaviors and words on a daily basis.  When dissatisfaction is present, I often ask, “What caring actions and positive comments have you made toward your spouse in the last week?” and the answer is generally not good.

On the positive side, although feelings and thoughts are beyond our control, we can manage our actions and words.  Actions like attentive eye contact, hugs, kisses, kind gestures, compliments, saying “I am sorry” or “I forgive you” are all within our control. Actions always come first, and then loving feelings follow those positive words and behaviors.

TODAY:  Decide to begin serving and giving to your spouse on a daily basis with caring actions and encouraging words. (January 25, 2017)

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Decision-Making Based On Facts

Every Wednesday I will post a practical wisdom thought or suggestion on marriage, parenting, or life. When faced with making a decision, separate FACTS from feelings.  “Feelings” decision-making is usually founded upon our assumptions or intuition.  For example, when counseling premarital couples I tell them that, “Marriage is an intelligent (factual) decision, not an emotional one.” I always suggest the two of them objectively evaluate their future spouse’s virtues and flaws.  The reason:  Failed marriages are often the result of a “feeling” choice.

Definitely like you, I am human and do make mistakes.  Unfortunately, when I made poor choices over the course of my life, the main reason 90% of the time was due to basing my decision on feelings rather than FACTS.  In the future, we can change most of our poor choices by assessing decisions in a factual manner.

TODAY:  Begin writing down the FACTS in a “Pros” and “Cons” manner with all major decisions. (January 11, 2017)

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Provide Opportunities for Failure

Every Wednesday I will post a practical wisdom thought or suggestion on marriage, parenting, or life. The natural instinct for loving parents is to protect their child from pain and failures.  Certainly, success is really enjoyable, while failure is not as much fun and even somewhat painful.  Yet, it is true that your child and all of us learn more from setbacks than successes.

During your child’s formative years, you want your child to have failures and experience some anguish. So many activities throughout their life are competitive in nature, passing classes in school, getting into a trade school, being accepted to a college, or finding the right job.

Hence, allow your child to join sports teams like golf, volleyball, soccer, etc. as well as tryout for other school activities or programs.  Through participating in various pursuits, your child will hopefully experience a few successes along with some beneficial failures that thankfully may help your child become successful in life.  Childhood failures usually assist in building resiliency and strengthening character, and most important, make your child even more determined to never give up in life.

TODAY:  Begin finding a variety of activities where your child can compete in order to experience both successes and failures. 

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Handling Christmas Stress

Every Wednesday I will post a practical wisdom thought or suggestion on marriage, parenting, or life. It is true that life without holidays can be overwhelming and stressful.  Today we may be thinking this is the most important Christmas ever and it has to be perfect.  However, what were three gifts you received last Christmas?  What do you and I really remember from past Christmases?  My point: Christmas won’t really matter one month from now, so relax and tell yourself, “This Christmas will be good enough.”  What we will remember is what we did with others.

I have several thoughts on handling Christmas and holiday stress:  be realistic and create memories of closeness; view the remaining Christmas and holiday season one day at a time; and make time for things you value.  When things don’t go quite right or turn out exactly as planned, maintain a sense of humor, laugh out loud, and look for positive aspects in the “closeness” facet of the holidays.

TODAY:  Create your own “Peace on Earth” and focus on glorifying God in Jesus Christ, family closeness, church celebrations, and adding value to others. (December 21, 2016)

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A Personal Goal: Be Agreeable and Cooperative

Every Wednesday I will post a practical wisdom thought or suggestion on marriage, parenting, or life. How agreeable and cooperative are you?  Patience, compromise, being helpful, embracing the ordinary, simply saying “It is good enough,” are all qualities of an easygoing person. And more than intelligence, money, background, similar interests, etc. what creates a gratifying marriage are two spouses who are both agreeable and cooperative.

I understand that being easygoing is hard work for all of us.  Yet, when we are relaxed, laid back, pleasant, and courteous, we not only make our marriages happier we also improve our emotional and physical well-being.  On a daily basis, strive to be an accommodating, supportive person and spouse.

TODAY:  Find a book, podcast, CD, YouTube video, etc. for self-improvement in order to become a more agreeable and cooperative person and spouse.  (December 14, 2016)

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Three Healing Words: "I Am Sorry"

Every Wednesday I will post a practical wisdom thought or suggestion on marriage, parenting, or life. Three essential healing words for all relationships are “I am sorry.”  Unfortunately, I estimate that in ninety percent of homes, those three soothing, restorative words are rarely used for repairing relationships. So saying those words, “I am sorry” may feel unfamiliar and even uncomfortable for most of us.

When we say “I am Sorry” we are either saying “I made a mistake” or “I was wrong.” Accepting responsibility for a fault is very hard for all of us because that requires humility. Without two spouses willing to say “I am sorry,” a fully satisfying marriage will be difficult.  However, when the phrase, “I am sorry” is used by both spouses the likelihood for life-long happiness will significantly improve.

TODAY:  The next time you make a mistake or hurt your spouse’s feelings, heal your relationship by speaking those remarkable healing words, “I AM SORRY.”

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